Grief of a Father 

This topic was a little difficult to write about . I had tried to write on a different subject but it wasn’t  falling into place thats when I knew  the Lord placed this on my heart . 

 The death of my father .

My dad was a God fearing man , he was a active member in his church , did jail ministry , and helped many people . He served the Lord with a loving heart and gave it all he had . He was 56 and still had many years ahead , we thought .

My husband and I just had our first and only child , that my dad just beamed over . Things were good in life.. That one day , that one phone call  changed a lot for our family ..

I had been a paramedic for years and so had my husband.  I had been around death throughout  my career and have had to tell many people that their loved one had died . I always knew the switch to flip in my mind to get me through those moments , so I knew how to deal .. But I  was not prepared for what I was getting ready to endure.

Feb 11 , 2005 , I was putting down our daughter for a nap , my husband came into the nursery with a look of fear on his face. His only words were “we have to go to the hospital ” . I went through everyone in the family of who it was .. But my dad was not one of them . He was invincible,  nothing could happen to him .. My husband said “it’s your dad ” .  I didn’t really understand the seriousness of the situation , until I called their house . When my brother answered their phone , I heard the AED charging  then the words came across the recording ” no shock advised ” ..

Those words stuck in my head the 30 miles we had to drive.  As a paramedic I knew to much of this situation , I knew he was gone . I knew why the AED said what it did and I knew there was no coming back .

One of my medic friends meet us at the emergency room door to tell us my dad was gone .. They had worked their hearts out on him because they knew him  .When we were able to see my dad , he looked asleep but I knew he was not . I have never had a pain in my heart as this . I literally felt like it was going to explode .  My mom looked at me and said ” you have to  tell your grandparents ” .  I felt sick , my dads parents were both living and he was the only child . I felt the life sucking out of me because I knew  is was going to be devestating to them .I knocked on their door and my grandpa answered  with a huge grin on his face .  He had no clue .. Then he saw my face , my pale and drained face. I struggled with the words , I was not longer that medic that could  flip that switch , I was the daughter of a man that died .  We walked into the living room while trying to hold my grandpa up , my grandmother was sitting in the chair . I tried to explain to her what happened but she did not  believe me . She picked up the phone to call him and no answer .. My heart felt like it just died . . I had no answers or words , all I had was pain .

That day’s chain of events changed my life , changed my career. It taught  me to see things a little different through more compassionate eyes but it also put me in a dark place . 

My dad and I were very close , we were so much alike and had passed the time of father / daughter to best friends . My mother was devastated , my brother was torn , the grandchildren lost their only grandad and my daughter would never know him . I was lost  . We had hit a wall and one I didn’t know how to climb. 

It was a few days after we had buried my dad that things started to fall apart. Denial and anger set in , my heart had never hurt this bad !  We did not have time to grieve because we had to jump right in to care for our grandparents. So all the pain was pushed back and denial set in . My heart felt like it was harden and black from hurt . 

One night I slept simply because of exhaustion.  I had a dream.. A dream I can still see this day.  My dad was standing in front of me , with his black hair and smirky grin , telling me it was going to be ok , that he was fine . He  told me we had to take care of our family .. I woke up and was scared to death !  Did all this happen , was it all a dream !!!!  Was my dad dead ? … Did God send me this message ?

I knew in my heart my dad had his place with Jesus , I have no doubt ,  This  helped me more than anything , knowing dad had loved the Lord,  worked and served him , with this ,  sent him to his Heavenly home .

I struggled many years after his death,  I was not following the LORD as I should , my grandpa died and 4months later my grandmother .. It started all over .. We didn’t have time to grieve.  We had Estates to do , property  .. No time for our hearts to heal . My world felt like it was tumbling down and I fell into a deep depression.  I was destroying myself .  After many downfalls , and mistakes , tears , counseling,  I found my true help ..the only help.. The Lord,  my father in Heaven.

I had my home back , my family  my love of life beamed , and my heart started to heal . But I still could not look at a picture or speak of my dad without busting into tears  . I knew I was not healed from this . I didn’t want to be this way . I wanted to remember the fun times and talk about him to our daughter.  I started to pray ,ask for healing , and ask for forgiveness from my downfalls .

I started to do jail ministry and felt that was my calling , as my dad.  One day I was talking to the class  and a lady started to talk about a loved one that passed away , one she could not get over. All of a sudden I started talking about my dad , then I told her to remember the goodtimes .. I told a few stories of mine , no tears !  My expression was off and the ladies asked me what was wrong . I said ” nothing is wrong , everything is great , my prayers are answered ” !!!!  I was healing , God answered my prayers ! I spoke about dad without sadness , it was happiness and I was helping a woman from my painful time .

I went to the beautiful book of Psalm .. Chapter 34 , verse 18 . We read this together..

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted ;he rescues those whose spirits are crushed 

My Lord rescued me from myself . My heart was healed and my faith was stronger than ever . I knew God had bound my wounds with his love for me . I still missed my dad but now my eyes see through a different window .  My beautfiul stain glass window of many different lights and colors .

Psalm 147 : 3

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds. 

My dad did his work on earth and when he left my heavenly Father stepped in  . God sent me that dream and he answered my prayers. He comforted me when I was brokenhearted . He picked up my pieces and glued them back  his love .  I now have more compassion in my career and use my pain to help .

I will see my dad again one day.  We will rejoice that day in our Lord’s Kingdom. A day I can not wait to see .

Revelation  21 : 4

He will wipe every tear from their eyes , and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain, All these things are gone forever . 

3 thoughts on “Grief of a Father 

  1. I am a nurse so I can relate to the sort of “numbness” you develop when it comes to our patients. I have been blessed to not yet have lost any of my close family members so I can’t imagine your pain, but I am so glad that you found the healing that you needed! Great testimony!

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    • Thank you ! It was so hard and it took me to a different part of myself . I had actually picked my grandmother up on the ambulance when she had her stroke … which hurt but I was glad because she knew me on the ride but when we got to the ER she did not ….. I certainly look at things a little differently …

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  2. Hi Rachel,
    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this. Again, I can not even imagine what you have gone through. I lost my grandmother who was dear to me, but every experience with grief is different. I know your father and grandparents are resting in peace and one day you will be reunited with them again. Again, thanks for writing on such a poignant topic. Much blessings 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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