This is my testimony of turning my life over to Christ and beating depression.
My Journey :
My story begins as far back as I can remember …. the battle of depression .
When I was growing up we had a simple life . My mom and dad worked , and we always went to church every time the doors were open . My parents worked hard but we still went paycheck to paycheck and sometimes shorter . But we had food and pretty happy most of the time .
I remember my depression started when I was young before my teenage years . I used to be made fun of and bullied at school , actually all through my years , and I would be compared to classmates such as ” why can’t you be like her ” . I remember feeling why do I have to be like them , am I not good enough. I did not realize how much this impacted my life until years down the road .
I did not make friends well . I was extremely quite and self esteem was no were to be found . I was the odd girl that either stood out because of my awkwardness or the kid no one knew .. This went on for years all the way up passed high school . Due to the family’s religous beliefs , I could not go to dances or other activities like that , so this just added to my depression . As a kid this was tough , I was the joke of school for awhile .
There were other contributors to my depression growing up , one was very difficult for me . My dad had seizures since he was a child and I saw many of these , some were very terrifying to me because I didn’t understand and I saw him hurt many times from them. I remember one in particular that still lays in my mind. I was on the roof helping my dad lay shingles , when he started to have a seizure and fell off the roof . I was scared to death ! I was so afraid my dad was dead , but he wasn’t, the Lord watched over him that day . I can still see this in my mind after over 35 yrs .
We were not allowed to tell anyone of my dad’s condition due to his job . So we had to keep it a secret . Believe it or not this was a terrible time . Back then people did not understand seizures and it hurt us to see our dad have to struggle and worry all the time about if or when he was going to have one .
Depression ran deep in my family . It was almost as if I was domed for this from the start . The older I got , the more I struggled . I had remember my dad going through depression and at times it was terrible! The meds he was on increased the depression . Bouts of paranoia, sadness , lack of self worth..
I had been judged by many , saying sins caused my depression , which made me feel more of a failure. I didn’t understand . All I knew was something was wrong with me . I began to seclude myself from everything and everyone , which later caused me more problems .
After high school , I enrolled in EMT school and later became a critical care paramedic, I finished college and was good mentally . I thought I had found something I’m good at !!! I enjoyed the work and felt I had a purpose . I loved taking care of people and did good thinking on my feet , multitasking on emergency situations . I had promoted to supervisor , life felt good …. for awhile .
As years went by , I had failed in my personal life , (it was physically abusive) my family , and my faith . My seclusion that I always ran to became my friend once more . My life as it existed was a failure . I tried my ways of fixing myself , which did not work . My true fix was always right in front of me but I didn’t take it .. Jesus ..
I have seen many traumatic things in my career on the ambulance and many things I still don’t talk about. My weakness of depression was fueled by these visions . So , I started to drink and I don’t mean soda . I drank and I drank hard . At first it seemed like it was helping ( satan’ s way of thinking ) But the more I did it , the worse I was . I would go to parties with work buddies and drink , that’s what we did ( the ems life) . Everyone did it , so it was easier to justify in my mind . But the more I did , the more I started drinking more and alone . I planned my days around my drinking . This is when I knew I had a problem but did not hold myself accountable .. I always had other excuses or blame .
One day it just hit me and I decided not going to drink anymore . It shocked me because I didn’t know why , I didn’t want to drink. I believe this was GOD trying to reach me , but once again , I took my way to fix things not God’s.
I had tried meds , nothing helped , so I just gave up on trying to get help. My sickness was taking over me . I was ashamed , I felt no one understood because depression was not a physical illness , it was a sickness of my mind . My mind which was killing me .
A few years later I married and had a child , life was good … we were going to church and following God but that didn’t last long , because of me .
I had got a call one day my dad was being taken to the hospital , he was found by my brother dead . This destroyed my heart !!!! A couple years later my grandparents died 4 months apart . I had taken care of them as they were my children and when I didn’t have them to care for , I felt as if I lost a part of me . I never had time to grieve for any of them and when I finally realizes this , it hit like a ton of bricks . There was tension and anger , so many emotions, I could not handle and I broke .
DEPRESSION road again .. only harder
My family fell ..
I fell hard , I mean hard . I was paranoid , felt life hated me . I remember the times my dad had gone through this , no I was. There were times I wanted to die and thought it would be better off for everyone . I had destroy all that was good in my life due to my depression and my way of ” fixing ” things Now listen , I was not following God at this time ,so my struggles were harder because of me and my hardhead . I fell back to drinking and just not caring about life .
So what happens next .
My struggles were spread out , with good in between . There were many years there was no happiness for me . I stopped smiling, I didn’t laugh, I hurt all the time inside . I was physically sick . I had a alcohol problem . My mind was gone . I had some of the worst calls in my career during this time. All I could do at one point was scream what now !!!!!! I can’t take this anymore! I stopped drinking , just all of a sudden . No withdrawal , nothing ..
It was around 1 yr later , I felt a conviction I had never felt before. ( what a horrible feeling, especially when you don’t do anything about)
I started praying, reading my bible that I had tucked away . I saw myself actually smiling at times and crying when I read my bible . I feel to my knees one night and cried out for forgiveness and for help .
A few days later I was driving across a bridge to my mom’s and this feeling came into my heart . I know without a doubt it was the Holy Spirit . I had a since of peace . That moment , I dedicated my life to God . I have not turned back . This has been 6 years ago and everything I am or part of is stronger. I have not had one drink and I will not drink again.
This was my glorious point on my life ! My 2nd Chance!!! My family was back together . My marriage was stronger than ever . I started going to church and joined with my husband . We both became active in our church and all was amazing . I knew in my heart I had been forgiven by my Lord!! I asked forgiveness from my family and those I hurt , I felt I had their forgiveness. For the first time in my life I was truly happy .
I started to work on my triggers for depression . I asked the Lord to help me to let go of my past because at times it was a tough road of guilt . I knew this was Satan working on me . He did not want me to change.
At one point I started to pray for God to show what he wanted me to do , how I was to serve him.
GOD placed a community ministry in my heart. As , I said in the beginning ,I loved taking care of people , I have seen so many people in need and homeless due to the job I have done and it always broke heart to see .
The ministry is called 2nd Chance by Mercy Ministry . After months of this up and going , we have a clothing closet , food pantries , and have many events that came together to help pur community.
As my story comes to the present day , I know that day I prayed for the Lord to help me and to heal me , he answered my cries . 2nd Chance by Mercy is my healing . My Lord places this ministry to heal my depression , to take the focus off of myself and to place it on others .
This day , I am happier than I have ever been , I love the Lord and place him first in my life. God has placed wonderful people in my life through the ministry and most of all I feel healed .
After years of struggles , God never left me . There are many things I did not share today but I wanted to share part of my story. I hope it touches someone s heart . My struggles have not been wasted . I am able to speak to others and help them with my testimony .
I am working on a book and my blog . My job now is to share my testimony , to help others .
Credit to my family for loving me and forgiving. I have a wonderful God given family , everyone of them !
If you suffer from depression , please seek help medically and spiritually. It’s never to late .
MATTHEW 11 :28 -30
28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
Jesus saved me !!!!!!!!!!
Rachel E Lane