There was a time in my life that this very question was unanswered .. Why ? Because I didn’t know who I was .. The only answer I had was to a different question . That was ” Who do I not want to be ? The answer was ” ME ” .
I was raised in a home with both parents and went to church everytime the doors were open . I was baptized in my early teens and as I look back now , I see I did it to please my parents not because the Holy Spirit touched me . I was troubled and felt so out of place in life , I thought this would help . It’s funny how I look back after over 35 years and see this now .
I had difficulty keeping friendships , letting people like me . I was afraid to get close . I was the loner , weird kid , that had no idea of who my identity was. I had struggled with depression and lonilessnes all my teenage years and majority of my adulthood . It was severe at time. I tried to conceal my pain with withdrawing.. The only time I was happy was being alone , which was not good .. It was an instigator to my demise .
I was working fulltime and going to college , specializing in paramedicine .I worked on the ambulance and loved it !. I was helping people and felt I had a calling to do this work . One problem ... I cared more about others than I did myself .
My church days were gone and I slammed the door in God’s face. As years passed I fell harder and colder to life.. What was missing ? Why was I in so much pain being me ? I would even look back at my childhood and think ” I was miserable at church too , so that’s not my problem ” .. Oh how I was deceiving myself .
I had a tremendous gap in my life , it felt the size of the New Madrid Fault . I tried everything I knew to fill this gap . Nothing was ever enough . My destruction was causing more damage than I realized . The only thing I enjoyed in life was working . Being in such a state was not good on my mind doing Paramedic work . I took in every call , every bad , tragic incident.
As years have gone by and my life in a terrible whirlwind , I looked at a bible I had , covered in dust . I prayed , why did I pray I had left God behind many years ago . Well , I hit bottom , and knew it . What did I have to lose right ? I found myself praying a little more as time started passing . I had actually had prayers answered ! Why would God do this ?! I was nothing , someone that didn’t have anything left ..
I dusted my bible off one night after having a breakdown ..I started to read Matthew . I remember a time when I was little , I loved seeing the red lettering in the bible that put the emphasis on Jesus words. I would think , Jesus is talking to me . I had that same feeling 30 years down the road . I read just a bit amd became frustrated . Simply because I felt I was a failure that had light at the end . God was not going to lay his hand on me , I’m to much of a mess.
That night I feel hard , I could not take anymore . I cried out to Jesus , On my face in the floor , screaming .. ” Help Me ” ..
The next day , I was driving to my Mom’s . Along the way crosses a big blue bridge. I will never forget this exact moment , I had not thoughts , just cold .. When I felt this feeling , the most gracious , merciful , loving feeling in the center of my heart ! I smiled like I had never before . I knew at that exact moment the Holy Spirit touched my heart !!!! I prayed and asked God to forgive me and to save my soul. I did not want eternal life in Hell .. I wanted to be in the glorious beauty of Heaven . Guess what ? I was FORGIVEN!!!!! I knew it when I asked . What a glorious day !!!!!! I was saved !
A few years have passed and today my life is on track in the name of the LORD. I place him first in my life. My husband and I have a remarkable relationship , a strong marriage. We place God first. Our daughter loves the Lord so . I am involved in jail Minstry and have founded an outreach Ministry in our community. My husband and I are active in our church , with teaching childern and youth .
God has a made me a new person . The old is gone and I am reborn into the life of Christ .
MY TRIALS AND STRUGGLES HAVE NOT BEEN WASTED . THE LORD IS USING THEM FOR HIS GLORY . I USE THOSE TO SHOW OTHERS , LIFE WITH GOD IS A BEAUTIFUL LIFE . GOD NEVER LEFT ME EVEN WHEN I LEFT HIM .
2 Corinthians 5 : 17 KJV
THERE FOR IF ANY MAN BE IN CHRIST, HE IS A NEW CREATURE , OLD THINGS ARE PASSED AWAY , AND ALL THINGS BECOME NEW .
Friends , no matter the past or the present , God will forgive and make you new . His mercy and grace stretches beyond our thoughts and what we deserve . Our greatest gift is our salvation. God loves us that much . YES, he loves us that much !!
I was lost and he still answered prayers , I cried to him and fell to my knees , God never left me , I found him . The Lord loved me enough to place the Holy Spirit in my heart so I could be with him one day. For me to call out and accept his son , my Savior.
My life that God has given me is precious and I feel his love daily. He is with me at all times .. What a glorious and spectacular life it will be . I follow my Lord and listen to his words , for he knows what’s best for me ..
TO ANSWER THE QUESTION TODAY
Who am I ? I am a child of God, the daughter of a King and one that is loved so much , that Jesus died for ME , to save my soul . He paid for my sins ..
That’s who I am … Special…
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